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Phyllis Diller Quotes
Sad Quotes by Phyllis Diller

I hope you like these sad Phyllis Diller Quotes about life and love. These sad quotes by Phyllis Diller are just a very small part of my large collection of sad quotes and sayings.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Related topics: Cute Whimsey Funny

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller


 

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast.
Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller



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We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -
as your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the
ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11
of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said,
'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,
Fang.
How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -
keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account,
my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep,
or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down
is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out.
I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -
they just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was
to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know
what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration:
set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,
cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell,
simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems,
in my opinion, to characterize our age.
- Albert Einstein

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
- Albert Einstein

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Keep courage. Whatever you do,
do not feel sorry for yourself.
You will win in a great age of opportunity.
- Richard L. Evans

The golden age is before us, not behind us.
- William Shakespeare

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth,
but a reproach to old age.
- Aristotle

Whatever poet, orator or sage may say of it,
old age is still old age.
- Sinclair Lewis

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.
- Don Marquis

Like everyone else who makes the mistake of getting older,
I begin each day with coffee and obituaries.
- Bill Cosby

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

I'm not interested in age.
People who tell me their age are silly.
You're as old as you feel.
- Henri Frederic Amiel

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking
that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
- Don Marquis

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain

Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.
- Emily Dickinson

Old age is like everything else.
To make a success of it, you've got to start young.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Old age is an excellent time for outrage.
My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.
- Louis Kronenberger

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve.
Middle age is when you're forced to.
- Bill Vaughan

We've put more effort into helping folks reach old
age than into helping them enjoy it.
- Frank Howard Clark

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful,
kindly, cheerful, reverent that is to triumph over old age.
- Amos Bronson Alcott

Middle age is youth without levity, and age without decay.
- Doris Day

Age does not diminish the extreme disappointment of
having a scoop of ice cream fall from the cone.
- Jim Fiebig

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.
- Hosea Ballou

I will never be an old man.
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
- Francis Bacon

As you age naturally, your family shows more and more on your face.
If you deny that, you deny your heritage.
- Frances Conroy

Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman

Every formula of every religion has, in this age of reason,
to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

What most persons consider as virtue,
after the age of 40 is simply a loss of energy.
- Voltaire


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.